Day 1

Today was a hard, hard day. I hate saying goodbye, as do most people. It's one of those things where you just want it to be over but you also want that one small moment to last forever. I stood there staring at Cliff, trying to memorize everything about him, trying to freeze it all in my mind as if it wasn't all there already. He held me close as I failed miserably at not crying. I soaked it all in, his smell, his reassuring voice, the feel of his lips on mine, and the vast amount of love. I watched him hug our children, kiss me one, two, three last times and then I watched him walk away.

The kids cried hard, except of course Maeli who is just confused. It honestly broke my heart. I stood in the elevator huddled with them, telling them how we had to be strong for eachother as tears streamed down my own face. We walked to the car, there was more calming, and then I drove them to school. Braden's teacher was sympathetic. Kayla's teacher is a military wife with a deployed husband, and she comforted Kayla and I. When K got home this afternoon, she told me Mrs. Teke didn't make her take a rest at school but instead, her sweet teacher held Kayla in her lap and talked to her about Cliff and her own husband. It's kindness such as that that gets us through times like these.


Maeli and I grocery shopped, we got Starbucks, we ate lunch, we napped. We picked the kids up from the bus, had our first pizza night of many to come. We did homework, and baths, and bedtime. I'm attempting to jump right into a normal routine and I think so far, so good...but it's only day 1 so ya know...

Cliff has had a miserable day, every plane has been delayed and he is hours behind schedule. But I've gotten to talk to him a lot today so even though I feel bad for him, you won't hear me complaining.

My heart is heavy and it feels broken, but I know from experience it will get easier every day. At least I have him to love and miss. At least, I didn't sell any kids to the zoo yet or go bonkers....yet :)

On a last note, to all my friends and family that I seem "distant" to. I just don't know what to say right now. Sure I'm fine, sure I"ll make it, sure it'll fly. But today I'm in zombie mode. Every thought that pops into my mind, every concern, every sympathetic look (even from strangers) has the possibility of turning me into a crying, emotional, lunatic. I appreciate all the love and support, I just don't want to cry anymore today lol.